Tuesday, March 25, 2008

God don't like ugly

Dele was the most romantic man I have ever met....as romantic as he was, he was also the most domineering, ill tempered, arrogant, cocky ass hole man I have ever met. Throughout our tumultuous relationship we managed to become friends in the end (it took a lot of prayers and soul searching to achieve this)

When I was 19 I met Dele in Miami in 2002 we hung out for about 3 days and exchanged numbers even though we both lived in separate states, we still agreed to keep in touch....so when I returned home, imagine my surprise when Dele came to visit me that same weekend...he even introduced himself to my mom who never likes anyone....He was exactly what I wanted...Nigerian, 24 years old, college graduate, best dressed guy I have ever met(The man had more dress shoes than me!!!...not sneakers, but dress shoes)....

All in all, Dele was great...he stood by me through a lot of the issues that I was trying to deal with. He helped me through my "college is not for everyone phase", he gave me a weekly allowance, he came to visit me every other weekend, and he made sure that my phone bill was paid every single month...He even paid for me to fly to California with my friends...he rented us a car, and paid for our hotel...when my friends met him there, he they all fell in love with him ....what more can a girl want or even ask for right? WRONG

Our relationship started heading downhill when I got a job...not just any job...I started my career....Dele had other plans for me....he wanted me to get a job at the mall...working at banana republic...or DKNY...some bullshit job like that....even though I have held other jobs in the past, but this was the first time that I felt liberated...I didn't have to depend on my mom or even Dele before I can get something that I wanted....and I loved it!!!!! between school and work, I barely had anytime for myself, or anyone else...

One night I got bored and decided to check Dele's voicemail(let me remind you that no one can hack into anything like I can...whether its a voicemail account, or an email...if you need a password...I can hack into it....one of my many talents!!!) and imagine to my surprise that he had 7 saved messages all from the same person named Desola! I didn't think much of it at that time, but it did make me a little more inquisitive than normal.. Two days later, i checked his messages again..Desola called again and this time she was crying on the message asking why is she not returning his calls that all she wants is to get her things back....hmmm First question that was on my mind is why is this chick calling at 2:30am, second...why is she crying....third....what the fuck did she give you or what did you take from her?

I didn't sleep that night....but I didn't confront him neither....(first rule of thumb in corporate finance...don't take things at face value...or is that the 4th rule....hmmm) for all I knew this could be a family member and I did not want to make a fool of myself....The following weekend I was going there for a visit...That Friday night and Saturday there were no problems...she didn't call...I checked his call log and voicemail each chance I got...Sunday evening when I was getting ready to take the train back I she starts calling his phone...I picked it up and she was really polite, so I handed the phone to him...next thing i hear is.... "Why the fuck are you still calling me? Ko ni da fun e ti o ba pe phone mi" (it won't be well for you if you call my phone).

I really wish I could have heard what was going on at her end...but oh well.
The moment he got off the phone I asked who was that? He claimed she was just a friend of his who he got in an argument with. Strange? I could not remember the last time I got in an argument with anyone and used that kind of language. I let it go being that I didn't want to leave on a bad note.....We said our "goodbyes" and "miss yous" and I got on the train...

Immediately as I got on...I looked for a seat near an outlet so I can charge my phone as I plot to get to the bottom of this situation....I had a 4 hour ride before I got home...I used 30 minutes to plan my course of action (I wasted money studying finance man...I need to get a job with the FBI, CIA, Homeland security...I will find Osama in 2 days!) I decided to call her....first I needed to break into his Voice mail again...he changed the password! So I made a few phone calls, got the code...when i hacked into his messages, I couldn't get her phone number...crap!....but it did give me an option to reply message, so I sent her a voicemail sayin...

"Desola, Its Oreke, Dele's girlfriend. I mean no disrespect by calling you, but we need to talk as soon as you get the chance, my number is 555-222-1111. Call me at your earliest convenience...preferably within the next 3 hours!"

I spent the next 25 minutes praying to God that this chick was not like me and only listened to her messages the 30th and 31st of every month! Before I got the chance to say amen...my phone rang!
"Hi Orkeke its Desola"

"Desola, what is going on between you and Dele? Please don't tell me that I ask your man garbage(if the shoe was on the other foot, thats exactly what I would have told her) because if I wanted to ask him, we won't be having this conversation right now"

"I'm not a rude person, I will tell you what you want to know, but I don't want to argue"

"Trust me! I don't have it in me to argue"

"Well Dele was my boyfriend up until a few weeks ago....I loaned him 1$1000 and he never gave it back to me."

"How long did u 2 date if I may ask..(mean while I am heated if i were light skin, I would have been red)

"For a while, I know who you are though, I saw you in California, we rode on the elevator together once, you were with Dele and a few other people. we were on the same plane back, I was the girl who was talking to your friend at the airport. I also saw you at his church picnic 2 days ago, I soon as I came, you guys had to leave..I know its cos he thought I was going to make a scene"

I will finish this up in the next post

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Why didn't you go to Medical School

My father(The greatest sperm donor) asked me a question today that made me want to grab him through the phone and strangle him....."Oreke, a finance degree is not a professional one....why didn't you go to medical school?" After I prayed for strength from the almighty I simply said, "Well Mr. Lewa, I would have loved to go to medical school, but I didn't have a father to send me to medical school...."
He replied...."Well Ms. LEWA(he gets upset when I call him by his last name...our last name) this is why I can't talk to you, you are a bitter woman, and one thing I hate most are bitter women"

Mind you I am very bitter towards him, but for him to call me on it really irks my nerves....
Oreke is bitter.....could it be because the last time she saw you is when she was still in diapers?.....Oreke is bitter, could it be because of the way you treated Mama Oreke? ....Oreke is bitter....COULD IT BE THE FIRST TIME SHE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH YOU WAS 2006????? Do you think that these are enough reason for Oreke to bitter??? I think they are!

An ex gave me a bible verse for days when Mr. Lewa feels its imperative to annoy me....Genesis 41:51-52 .... Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, "It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household." 52 The second son he named Ephraim and said, "It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering."

Mr Lewa was a liar, and a very good one at that. He lied to my mother when he promised her forever, he lied to God when he broke 9 out of the 10 commandments, he lied to my grandparents the day he took my mom out of their house saying she will never lack anything good....He lied to me the day he gave me my name.....he lied to my sister for never even seeing her face...

I could go on and on about this man, but I rather not because the thought of him leaves me drained! I've given him enough time out of my day....

To Be continued sometime soon

Friday, February 29, 2008

Jedi Jedi Strikes Again

I really hate giving this girl another second out of my life that I will never get back, but I have to make another exception today....

December 07, Jedi called me to let me know she is going to naija for the holidays and she will be back 2nd week in January...and she was excited because she was going to see one of her ex-bobos while she was there(keep in mind this is the same ex who lives in another country in Europe and had a child with the lady he claimed was filing his adjustment of status....i guess over there, the currency used is ur oko and ur punany)

I almost felt like warning her about her stupidity in trusting him with all the things he has done to her in the past, even though she is not completely innocent herself, but who am I? Let me kuku respect myself and carry my own waka(I didn't want to hear about how she is more experienced than me because of the 4 whole years she crawled around the earth before me, she has not heard the phrase quantity vs quality)

On the 12th January, imagine my surprise when her cousin called me and said they were worried about Jedi because she has not returned, and they could not get in touch with her...me being the person than I am, I automatically assumed she forgot her green card in America and they refused to let her in at the port of entry....lol...I know, I know...I have issues

January 28th came around and she even had me worried...so I had a friend of mine go to her house and check things out....It turned out that she was still in Nigeria and would not return till February 10...strange? Why did she extend her trip, especially when she started a new job just 2 months before leaving...she de craze??

February 22rd, I saw Jedi at a small get together and you will never believe what her announcement was....


I almost chocked on my oh so delicious pepper soup....do you know what kind of damage can be done by choking on pepper....Baba God save me ooo....do not let this girl and her desire to get married before 30 kill me ooo...after my Baba heard my cry he saved me from choking so I can get the details from her....she told me that they did the introduction with the family and did a civil ceremony at the registrar's office...

I said to myself, "Oreke, don't be judgemental...maybe this bobo...(I will call him baba Delta...mainly cos that's where he is from)has really changed and seen the error of his ways....maybe Jedi too is tired of sleeping around every single naija man that has a decent size wallet (single, engaged, married...as long as there is money she is there) Plus the poor girl will be 29 this year...maybe she is seriously ready to settle down....

Even though I was still upset at her for what she did(if you read my last post you know...)and I cannot let go until I have confronted her and gotten all the abuses and hellfire curses out of me....I grab every ounce of strength in me to open my mouth and say, "Ah Jedi...I am so happy for you....you really deserve this....I hope you and Baba Delta are very happy together..." If you really knew me...you would have realized how hard that was for me......One thing I was not prepared for and didn't know how to respond to was her reply.....

She said to me....and I Quote...."Who gives a shit about Baba Delta....Oloshi ni bobo ye nse...."(I write better Yoruba than I speak!!!) Now she has me confused, and I am at a loss for words....thank goodness my amebo friend Bola was there.....she has the sense to ask, "If you didn't marry Baba Delta...who did you get married to?"

You won't believe Jedi had the nerve to look pissed, hurt and a little shocked that we were inquiring who her latest bobo was.....she said, "This is why females always have problems...they are quick to judge before they get the full story," Oreke...being Orkeke had to open her mouth and say something...."Jedi...why are you taking things personal....you leave Yankee professing your undying love and devotion to Baba Delta...and you are upset because we are now shocked that you married the next bobo on the street....this is not a matter of judging you or even hating on you, I am asking so I can make sure you have all your marbles in tact, and that they have not put something in you food in naija...kai"

Jedi now rolls her eyes in true Jedi fashion...."well his name is 'Tunji' and he is a friend of 'so and so'...he is really nice, quiet...God fearing, romantic...he is everything I want in a man and more....
I am now fighting the demon that lives inside me that causes to say whats on my mind...."Jedi...you married a yoruba after all the abuses you have given them..kai...(Jedi has this thing where she does not date Yoruba boys...even though she is Yoruba herself...because they are stingy with money and they have small tadpoles...and they don't last long in bed...lol stupid right?)I don't mean to rain on the parade that you have playing in your head, but u have dated men for years before realizing how stupid they are....so what makes you think ur radar for picking out stupidity has gotten strong enough to do this in 6 weeks??" This demon is stronger than i thought....

I was not surprised when she got in my face and started putting her finger in my face as she talked, "I won't expect you to understand, so just mind what is yours and I will mind what is mine....
I decided to back down...after all it her life...Baba God...just don't let me slap all the pancake off her face the next time she gets bold enough to put her finger in my face again....

Anyway...there is another lucky guy in Nigeria that has found a free visa to America...without stepping one foot into the Embassy....his dreams has now come to fruition....after he gets here...he will file for his wife and 5 kids....My Good friend Jedi has now helped 7 people advance from the poverty of Nigeria...Baba God please bless her and bring her own husband to her....Amen

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I hate Jedi Jedi

The Question of the day.......Why are women such haters??? Typically Nigerian woman? Kai! can I breathe, You will think I am the only one in this nonsense state. Before you get confused with the ramblings going on inside my head let me take it from the top. My boyfriend/fiance proposed to me on my birthday back last month, but I have yet to give him an answer (mostly because the thought of forever frightens me....imagine that will be the last man you ever will be with. is there such things as forever? Is fidelity in the Nigerian man's dictionary? That's another topic for another day). Letting my female syndrome get to me, I decided to talk to a mutual friend of ours about this, which is where I made my mistake. ...Don't get me wrong Bola(for anonymity purposes this will be her name) is the sweetest and most endearing person I have ever come across. She is always ready to help you out no matter what, but the girl sha has the biggest mouth this side of the continent.

Anyway to make a long story short she now went to a baby shower of another friend of ours(I didn't go because I don't like the person organizing it, and plus my evite some how got lost via cyberspace) so at this shower she decides to announce to EVERYONE being the gbeborun that she is, that I am getting married....I don't know how "I am not sure if I want to get married even though I love him" translates into guess what girl I said yes to his proposal and I am getting married" I started receiving congratulation text messages, and emails, luckily for "Bola" she called me and told me she told everyone that I was getting married (how can you be upset with someone who calls and tells you that they told everyone) "Bola" always does things like this, telling other people's business before they can....but I don't know how she manages to do it that everyone knows how big her mouth is, and she is accepted for it....this baffles me....but yet I love her for it, cos I can always call her for the latest naija gossip...like who is sleeping with who's boyfriend....who is pregnant....etc Damnit I always manage to stroll of topic....this is not where the naija hate comes from, let me try to find my way back to it....

I have this ex-boyfriend, yet he doesn't really know we are broken up..... this ex we will call him "Akin" Anyway Akin and I dated for 2 years, we had a transcontinental relationship long story short, some things happened that made it impossible for him to come to Yankee for a year("ara o se okuta" the body is not made of stone)...although the relationship was fun, it was not that deep....I started seeing my one of my ex boyfriend....THEE EX BOYFRIEND....my first love....the oga pata pata....he was my first EVERYTHING! The Oga(the name I will use for him...until I get bored or think of another) is a very popular Naija guy....everyone knows his name, I guess because of his even more popular family...(I will blog about that at a later date....see I can't even keep up with everything I want to say...hence the name confused)

So at that baby shower that bola announced the demise of my singlehood, my hater was also found there. My Hater knows I know that she hates me, and she also knows that I can care less about her and I don't even realize her existence. Being the Nigerians that we are, when we see each other in public we still manage to give each other fake hugs and complement each other....(women are the phoniest creation on earth!) This girl has been the biggest jedi-jedi(ooh I kind of like that name for her...we will call her Jedi) of my life. she constantly finds ways to annoy me...she does this "I'm older than you so I can say whatever it is I want to you, even though I have a complex because deep down I know you are so much better than me" thing which i can't stand.Back to what I was saying, Jedi is the biggest ashawo this side of the of the country. If you have an Oko, whether big or small she has tasted it. She is now 28 going on 29 and is desperately trying to get married by hook or crook. She hates me cos I'm 4 years older than her, and I am far more successful, but she needs to understand that not everyone in this world are meant to be doctors or engineers, if that were true who will clean my toilets or pick up my trash? She also hates me cos she has been crushing after my Oga for years and he has never given her face. so while jedi was in naija for xmas she linked up with my akin(not like that, but knowing jedi...i cant really say)her sister is friends with him, and she has met Akin several times while he was visiting me ( we even spent a weekend at her place together, another story for another day) so she asked him has he heard from me and Akin told her yes and that we are still together(In his head we are) so as soon as my gossiping Bola told her about my supposed engagement, 2 days later Akin calls me that he heard from Jedi that I am an engaged woman....CAN YOU IMAGINE. What kind of nonsense is that. At this point I am thoroughly pissed off so I can care less what he or she thinks....I told him he can think whatever it is that he wants and dropped the phone. That was the last time he has brought that topic up to me(He no craze)

Why would she do that to me. Does she not realize that you don't shit where you eat. I have enough information about her to finish her here as well as lagos....is the bytch mad or does she have pepper soup for brains. I am too much of a babe to let her know that her stupidity has affected me...I pity her because party season is just about to begin and I will destroy her(in Oreke fashion)

The thing that doesn't get me is that even if i was truly engaged, why would you call my ex boyfriend to tell him that when you don't even know the situation? wtf? Am I wrong to be upset? Or is this anger misplaced? She didn't even call me to wish me well on my supposed impending nuptuals.

Monday, February 18, 2008

You don't know my name....and you never will

I've always thought that people who sit down at the computer all day and blog about a problem they already know the solution to are jobless people who don't have enough things to occupy their time.....Yet for the past 15 years I have kept a diary....now who is the jobless one now?

Friends.....are people who you have yet to catch talking behind your backs.....Boyfriends (for the most part) are guys you have yet to catch cheating. I have an ex-boyfriend who used to tell me that good girls are bad girls who have yet to be caught!(and i thought i was the only one who saw the glass as half empty) With the perception i have about people you can see the reason why I need to keep a diary...or to even blog. I don't believe in spell check, nor do I read over my post(maybe cos there is a slight chance that i might chicken out and not post it) so if you have the audacity to do "i too know" with my grammar or my spelling, pray that I never read your blog because I will finish you.

I have some serious daddy issues, trust issues, boyfriend/Fiance issues, eldest child issues, fitting into the Nigerian society issue...if you can add an issue to it, then most likely I have it....so if my bluntness(is that a word?) or lack there of does not bother you, please join me in my in my journey as i watch my life spiral out of control....Anonymity is my solace...so if anyone ever finds out my true identity, please don't ever confront me about having a blog, because i will adamantly deny it and you would have made an enemy out of me and that is the last thing you want to do